“Be Straightforward?” — How To Let A Woman Know You Want A Sexual Relationship

I have recently received an interesting question from a man who, for the sake of privacy, we will call Mike.
Mike is asking about the right way to go about telling a woman that he’s only interested in a sexual relationship.

Although it’s a fairly simple question, the answer is not so simple. All women are different, so there is no answer that I can guarantee to apply to any situation. But here is my advice.

In order for any kind of relationship to be successful, it must have a solid foundation. A solid foundation comes from having trust. And trust is a product of honesty. Any relationship that is rooted in dishonesty is destined to fail, because the people involved cannot trust each other. So you should be honest and let her know that you only want a sexual relationship. There is no point in hiding that fact.

When should you tell her?

As soon as possible. Women do not like being strung along. Although it may seem like a good idea to reel her in slowly and let your intentions be known after a date or two, rather than spring it on her, your best bet is to be up front from the beginning. If you ask her out and give her the impression that sex isn’t your focus, that’s what she’ll be prepared for. When you do let her know that sex is mainly what you’re after, she will likely be upset. She may feel very used and wonder what made you think she would go for something like that. It’s kind of like false advertising. How would you feel if you purchased a product that didn’t perform anything like what it claimed to? Why go on a date with someone who wants something different than what they led you to believe?

Make your intentions known before the date. That way, if she’s not into that sort of thing, you don’t have to waste your time or hers even going on a date. There is no real risk of hard feelings, because they haven’t had time to develop. Perhaps the best way to introduce the topic is to have a few phone calls before you actually ask her on a date. Try to call at a time when neither of you are busy or distracted by other things. Mention to her what it is about her that attracts you, and why you’re interested in her. The worst that can happen is she thinks you’re a jerk and she won’t talk to you again. But as they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And you don’t want someone who thinks you’re a jerk anyway. Yes, you might look or feel a little stupid if she turns you down. But that just means she isn’t a good fit for you. Someone who is right for you will not think you are stupid, they will accept you as you are.

If she is interested, great. Your potential relationship is already off to a great start because you have been open and honest with each other. That’s how you begin to trust each other. And nothing says that what starts off as a sexual relationship can’t evolve into something deeper, if both of you develop an interest in that. Maintaining open and honest communication will help keep the possibilities open.

Keep in mind that when and how you say it does not change the fundamentals of the situation. Either she’s into it or she isn’t. Trying to be crafty or lure her into something she’s not totally comfortable with will only end badly.

Something I would like all those looking for a “friends with benefits” type of relationship to keep in mind is this. It may start out as a nice, convenient, fun, no-strings-attached sexual relationship. There is no real emotion commitment on either end. But it is likely that at least one partner will develop some real feelings. If those feelings are not returned, it can lead to emotional distress and a bad situation overall. These things should be entered into very carefully.

I hope this answers your question. It’s a complex situation, but hopefully this helps simplify things somewhat. Please feel free to contact me with more questions or a followup.

Thank you for your question!

Why I’m Monogamous (It’s Not Why You’d Think)

Monogamy is completely natural to me. It isn’t something self-imposed, or something I’ve been socially groomed to accept. It’s just how I am.

Those who say monogamy goes against nature are wrong.

Yet so are those who claim it is natural for everyone.

The truth is, everyone is different. There is a spectrum of sexuality. I am on one end. There are many others on the opposite end, who are naturally polyamorous. “Poly” meaning many and “amorous” meaning love. There are a few people who naturally crave multiple relationships with multiple people. And these relationships are based on genuine feelings of love, not just lust. There are other people like me, who have absolutely no desire to be with anyone other than their one partner. It’s not that I try to ignore thoughts of others. I simply do not have thoughts of other. Sure, I see many attractive people. But the only person I fantasize or think of sexually is my husband. Since we met, I’ve never thought of another man sexually. For nearly ten years, not a single other person has crossed my mind during sex or masturbation. A few times I’ve even tried to think of someone else, just to see what it was like. But it didn’t work. I am naturally monogamous. It has nothing to do with society, religion, or guilt. It’s not because marriage demands it. I have a one track mind. But I am in the minority.

About ten percent of the adult population falls on my end of the spectrum and another ten percent on the opposite end. The rest of the population falls somewhere in the middle. They may be monogamous most of the time, but still have the occasional desire for someone new. Some feel polyamorous most of the time, but could change to feelings of monogamy with the right person. And some people just have the urge for sex with many partners, with no real emotional connection necessary.

There is a difference, though, between someone’s natural sexuality under ideal conditions, and their choices regarding sex under exceptional circumstances. Someone may be monogamous for many years and be highly satisfied by their partner. But if their partner is no longer satisfying for them, either emotionally or physically, they may be driven to have their needs satisfied elsewhere. It doesn’t mean they don’t want monogamy. It just means they wanted their thirst quenched.

Sexuality is not a one size fits all. That is a point I stress over and over. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all human beings, created equal. Every person is just as entitled to their fantasies as the next person.


Got a topic? Email the honestsexblog@yahoo.com!

My First Time

I “lost my virginity” when I chose to have sex, at 19 years old. To some, 19 may seem a bit late. And perhaps it was. But I was never in a hurry to give up my innocence. I never just wanted to get my first time over with. Not only was I a bit scared by the events of my past, but I wanted my first time to be absolutely perfect.

And it was. It was totally magical.

I gave my virginity to a 41 year old man.

You’re probably thinking, ewww! But I can assure you, it was quite the opposite. We’d known each other for over 3 years. When we finally decided to have our first official “date,” I promised myself nothing would happen that night. I wasn’t the type to have sex on a first date. And yet, I found myself shaving and waxing extra carefully the morning before. Maybe somewhere deep inside, I knew he would be the one. I knew I couldn’t resist him.

We met around noon in a hotel parking lot. We had a casual lunch at a quiet restaurant nearby. Afterward we went to a local museum. Then we went back to the hotel. I was a bit nervous as he laid down on the king size bed and said “Come here, Cuddles.” But I laid down next to him and as I began stroking his shirt-clad chest and stomach, I felt completely at ease. I laid my head on his chest and felt his pulse and his breathing. He stroked my hair gently and smiled when I looked at him. I would ask what he was thinking and he would say, “Just how pretty you are….”

That lasted about 30 minutes, but I’d wished it was longer. It felt like 10. But we had to get ready to go. He was a Catholic, so we attended Mass together. Once that was finished, we came back to the hotel again to get ready for dinner. I went into the bathroom while he changed into a dress shirt and pants. I changed into an outfit I’d picked out almost a year ago. Interestingly enough, I’d chosen it specifically with our first date in mind. I guess I always did know it would happen. It was a ruffly, sheer black skirt that came down to about mid thigh. My top was creamy white and felt like smooth, flowing silk. I touched up my makeup and went back into the room. He told me I looked wonderful. I put on a pair of deep purple satin peep-toe pumps. I felt perfect in my classy yet sexy outfit. And he looked amazing too. On the way out the door, a middle-aged woman complimented one of us. He insisted she was talking to me, but I was sure it was meant for him.

It was during dinner that I really started to think about sex. I thought about what would happen when we got back to the hotel for the night. He was 41 years old, but could easily pass for 31. He was very old fashioned, and the most gentlemanly person I’d ever known. He reminded me so much of Cary Grant.

After dinner we stopped at an ice cream shop. He got a vanilla cone and I got a hot fudge sundae to go. Back at the hotel, we watched a sitcom episode. I sat in his lap while he sat in the arm chair. When it was over, we looked at each other. I asked what we were going to do. He must have sensed I was a bit nervous, so he suggested just cuddling on the bed again. I was all for that. We cuddled again in the same position as before. This time though, I kept looking at him expectantly. Finally he rolled me over onto my back, climbed onto me, and kissed me. Passionately. I responded quickly and we were soon sucking each others’ tongues, gasping for breath. He kissed and sucked my neck. I was not shy with him. Still completely clothed, he rubbed his erection up and down along my thigh. I felt very hot. I reached down and un-tucked my shirt from my skirt. He pulled it upward and stared at my bare stomach and my white bra. Then he gently pulled my bra down and began to suck my hard nipples. It felt so great. After just a few minutes, I had an orgasm. He touched my body perfectly.

He began to slide a hand under my skirt and caress my thigh. Then he put his fingers underneath my black satin thong. I felt him tracing my clit and pussy lips. For a second I thought I should tell him to stop. But I didn’t care. It felt too good. Then I remembered I was on my period. I told him, but he just whispered that it was okay. I told him I had a tampon in, but he’d already felt it. We kissed a bit more as he just felt along the outside of my body. Then I went to the bathroom and took out the tampon, and we took a warm bath together in the dark bathroom. We both agreed that the bright lights were not sexy in the least. We sat in the bath together for almost an hour. I sat between his legs, leaning back against his chest. He rested his hands on my breasts.

After the bath, we went back to the bed again. Luckily my period was very light and I didn’t bother putting in a tampon again. He gave me oral sex, not even caring about the traces of blood. I was in heaven. I sucked his cock eagerly. Though I was inexperienced, he was beyond patient. He just smiled down at me the whole time, stroking my hair or pinching my nipple.

He rolled me onto my stomach and lotioned up my little butt. As he did so, I relaxed. Then I noticed a slightly warm feeling inside me. Staying still, I noticed it was inside my butt. Very slowly and carefully, he fingered my butt for several minutes. I almost didn’t want him to stop. But then he climbed on top of me and slid his cock up and down the crack of my butt. Not inside me, just against my smooth skin. I liked it very much. In a few minutes, he ejaculated onto my back. I loved feeling the warm fluid on me. After I tasted it, he wiped it off. It was a strange yet sweet taste.

We did some more oral and fell asleep spooning. I woke around 5:30 the next morning. I turned toward him and felt for his cock in the darkness. It was hard. I put my fingers inside me and rubbed my fluids onto the head of his cock and began stroking. After a few minutes, he was awake too. We took turns using the bathroom and brushing our teeth. Back in bed again, he gave me more oral. That was when I decided I was ready. I told him. And he didn’t even question it. He got up, opened a fresh box of condoms from in his overnight bag and slipped one on.

He teased me, sliding his cock up and down between my pussy lips. Until I begged him. He slid in gently. Though I was very wet and aroused, I was still so tight. My pussy burned slightly with the stretching. But after a few minutes that was gone. He lifted my legs up over my head and went in deep. We both had orgasms. Afterward, he didn’t pull out right away. (By the way, proper use of a condom means withdrawing immediately and throwing away the condom. But I was on birth control pills at the time, so the condom was just an extra precaution) He laid on top of me for a few minutes. Then he got up and wiped himself off with a tissue. I went to use the bathroom and when I came back, I saw him pulling at the sheets. There was quite a large spot of fresh blood on the white sheets. I had completely forgotten about my period. I immediately said I was sorry, but he said he wasn’t bothered. I knew he wouldn’t be; I was more worried about incurring an extra cleaning fee. Somehow blood ended up on the white comforter too, and on a pillow and several towels. He didn’t care.

I gave him oral again, this time feeling his soft penis harden in my warm mouth. When it was fully erect, he got up and rolled on another condom. I climbed on top of him. I suddenly realized I really didn’t know what to do. But he helped me. We kissed and he guided my hips up and down. I was so excited. I had an orgasm within a few minutes. My legs tired and he told me to get on my hands and knees. That’s when he started pounding into me doggie style. It felt so good, I had to try hard to keep from screaming. It didn’t last long. After just a few minutes he ejaculated again. We laid down, him on top of me, his chest against my back. Again, he stayed inside until he began to soften.

Then we showered together. He washed my body and my hair so tenderly. And I washed him in the same way. For quite a while we stood under the hot spray. He closed his eyes while I kissed him and caressed his entire body. I knelt down and began licking his soft penis. I liked how it felt, even when it was soft. I even bit it a little, amazed at how soft and spongy it felt.

We got out and got dressed. As we finished packing up our things, I sat down on the bed and cried silently. He sat next to me right away and handed me a tissue. I threw my arms around him. I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay with him forever. He rubbed my back and whispered his soothing words. If it hadn’t been almost checkout time, I would have refused to get up. But we had to go. Down at the front desk, the clerk asked him if he’d enjoyed his stay. He gave me a sly smile and said yes. He put my things in my trunk and we hugged goodbye. We kissed again, long and slow. I already knew I couldn’t wait to see him again.

I regret nothing of my first time. Nothing about him being more than double my age felt perverted to me. It still doesn’t. No one has ever treated me better.

I consider myself extremely lucky. My first time was with someone I truly loved. It wasn’t awkward. I wasn’t shy about being naked or touching him. Usual thoughts like, “What if I look fat?” or “What if he doesn’t like what I’m doing?” never came to mind. I felt so sure that it was the right thing. My hymen had broken long ago, so there would be no memories of any pain. He was experienced, so he lasted a long time. Long enough for me to fully enjoy it. And I had a total of 7 orgasms over the course of about 14 hours. Almost all the girls I knew said they didn’t have a single orgasm their first time. Most of them said it was painful and lasted just a few minutes. I had no complaints.

I liked that we did it in the morning instead of at night. Somehow the light of the sunrise gave the whole experience a very pure feeling. And I prefer not to speak of it as “losing” my virginity. Nothing was taken from me. I gave it to him willingly. It was so wonderful. He didn’t mind my inexperience at all. He was always a serious relationship kind of guy. He didn’t believe in one night stands or having sex just to have sex. He was the committed type. I was only his third partner. And I was his first virgin. It had been 6 years since he’d had sex, and so for him, sex felt new all over again.

Later when I asked him his favorite part of our date, he told me it was when I cried before leaving. He told me how much it meant to him that he’d made me so happy. That made me feel special. I’d also cried after the first time we both orgasmed. He told me he’d never known a woman to cry from orgasm before. That made me feel special too.

I would change nothing about my first time. It was more than I could have imagined. But I know that I would be in the minority. Many people have regrets about their first time. Maybe it was the wrong partner, or the wrong time, or something embarrassing happened. So I count myself lucky. It has been burned into my memory forever. I will never forget it.

Got a question? Want to share your first time story? Email me at thehonestsexblog@yahoo.com!

The Truth About Female Genitalia

The female body is nothing less than a work of art. And like all masterpieces, each one is unique, from her eyes and mouth all the way down to her little toe.

So why the naivety surrounding female genitalia?

I know I’m not alone when I say that my lady parts have confused me on a number of occasions. More than once, I’ve wondered am I normal? Many women don’t even know which parts are which. But why is it so hard? There is certainly no shortage of female diagrams. And no lack of hardcore porn to show us “real” life women’s bodies.

The problem is not a lack of education. The problem is, there is very little acknowledgement of the very common, very normal variations of these body parts. Textbooks try to illustrate what a generic body looks like. But the truth is, most women do not have textbook genitals. Women are all crafted individually, not mass produced on a factory line. Thus, a “generic” woman does not exist. It would be impossible to draw every single possible variation. However, many women, quite understandably, conclude that they have some kind of abnormality rather than just a common, undocumented normality. And, many men and women can’t even comprehend what goes into porn. It’s hard to imagine the level of fakeness unless you’ve been behind the scenes. The truth is that most females in porn have undergone labiaplasty, a surgical procedure in which the vulva, labia, and clitoral hood are “trimmed” for the purpose of aesthetics. Very few women undergo the procedure for medical reasons. It’s a common misconception that the norm is for a woman’s outer labia to be larger than her inner labia. Even their scientific names, labia majora and labia minora promote such nonsense. In truth, there are just as many women whose inner labia are larger than their outers as there are the other way around. Both are normal. It’s normal for a woman’s inner lips to be a few inches long. It’s also normal for them to be tiny, like little rose petals, or anything in between. It’s normal for them to dangle. They also come in a wide array of colorings: tans, browns, pinks, reds, purples, sometimes even bluish. All normal. Some women have a somewhat visible clitoris, sometimes it’s more hidden. While many female porn stars seem to have the kind of clitoris that peeks out all the time, this is not necessarily the norm. Many women’s clitoral hood (what equates to the foreskin of the penis in males) covers their clitoris most of the time.  When the woman is aroused, the clitoris itself may swell and lengthen, while the hood also retracts a bit, making the clitoris visible. Some women have a larger hood, or a clitoris that is basically always the same size. In such cases, the hood can usually be pulled back manually pretty easily, allowing access to the clitoris. I might also emphasize the fact that most illustrations depict very minimal pubic hair. For many women, it’s not just a small triangular patch above their clitoris. Many women have pubic hair on the outer labia, and maybe some further back near the anal region. This is nothing peculiar. The purpose of pubic hair is to trap bacteria and unwanted particles before they enter the body, such as through orifices like the urethra, vagina, or anus. It is nothing to be embarrassed about. Women who object to it can easily shave or wax it away. Modern technology and hygiene methods allow women to stay clean and healthy without pubic hair. But it’s quite natural and no woman should feel that she needs to remove it. Some women have pubic hair that blends into the hair on their inner thighs. Or a few sparse hairs or even a trail leading up to their naval. All normal. 

So with this, I hope to have dispelled some misconceptions about the appearance of female genitalia. If you’re a woman, hopefully you may find some comfort knowing that no matter what your lady bits look like, they are normal. More normal than you’ll probably ever believe. I also hope that sometime in the future, we can move on from using misleading terms like labia majora and labia minora to describe women’s genitals. They’re inner and outer lips, for crying out loud!

If you’re a man, I hope you now realize (if you haven’t already) that if you’re expecting all women to look like porn stars or scientific drawings “down there” you will be sorely disappointed.

Got a question or topic you’d like me to address? Email me at thehonestsexblog@yahoo.com!

Thanks for reading 🙂

The Sexual Awakening

We’ve all been through it. The time in our lives when we first start to realize our potential as sexual beings. Hormones kick in and we find ourselves intrigued by the opposite sex, or perhaps the same sex.

Though it generally begins around puberty, some may experience it much earlier or much later. The mind and body do not always develop at the same pace, and it can be a tough time for some. Even after many years, there is much to learn about ourselves and others. We are never truly done learning and growing sexually. And that’s what this site is all about. There is so much to be shared, and I’m here to bridge the gap between individuals and couples who may be able to offer experience or support.

I’ll share with you the story of my sexual awakening…

From the time I was just a few years old, I knew there was something. I’d heard both children and adults speak the word “sex” in a mysterious, secretive tone. Thinking or whispering the word to myself, even at five years old, gave me a sort of dirty, excited feeling inside.

It wasn’t until I was nine years old that my mother told me about sex. She never said it felt good. She just said it was how women became pregnant. I went five more years thinking that sex was just an inconvenience, and chore associated with trying to conceive. Why would anyone want to do that? I’ll never do that, I thought. I imagined sex would be awkward and embarrassing, or at least that’s how it was for most couples.

I grew up in a very Christian household. My parents were virgins until marriage (so they say) and they wouldn’t have anything less for my sister and I. I’m sure they meant well, but what they really did was scare me into being ashamed. I was ashamed of being a female. I was ashamed of my growing body and my thoughts. I struggled to repress my sexuality.

I’d learned in school about the female anatomy, but it always seemed oddly foreign to me. I didn’t make the connection between the diagrams and my own body (for reasons I’ll discuss later). Then when I was thirteen, I read a book. In the book, a young pubescent girl attended a human growth and development class. The book described it in detail. It also described in detail the girl going home afterward and finding all her lady parts using her fingers and a hand mirror. What a great idea! I thought. So I found a hand mirror and, rather timidly, attempted to do the same. It was the first time I’d ever really seen or even touched those parts. I didn’t know what everything was, but I did feel a bit proud of myself, though I didn’t know why.

When I was fifteen, that’s when I really started to feel the hormone changes. I didn’t know any boys who I could imagine having sex with. I was still stuck in the phase of naked embarrassment. I felt awkward seeing myself naked, let alone having someone else see me. But I would get so turned on seeing sex scenes in movies. I fantasized about sex with a nameless, faceless man. I didn’t know what to do. The feelings were so strong. I knew about masturbation, but I knew without asking that my parents forbade it. It was something shameful. I’d tried it a few times, but I didn’t enjoy it anyway.

That’s when things started to change. I would browse around the internet at night, reading anything I could about sex. I liked how it turned me on. I received an instant message from a man who was willing to answer some of my questions. He told me I was a normal girl, curious, with nothing to worry about. Though I felt shy at first, I quickly became comfortable. I was surprised by the boldness of my questions to him. But there was nothing he wouldn’t answer. Sensing my high level of arousal and sexual frustration, he even encouraged me to masturbate, and gave me ideas on what to try. Reluctantly, I took his advice.

Mere months later, we were instant messaging almost daily, and I was masturbating almost daily as well. Sometimes for hours at a time. I quickly became familiar with my body. Slowly, my shame started to disappear. I didn’t care what my parents thought. If they weren’t masturbating (and with the state of their relationship, they definitely weren’t having sex) they didn’t know what they were missing! I discovered that I am an extremely sensual person. I began seeing my body as pretty, and I would sleep naked almost every night.

Years later, I’m a very sexual, happily married woman. I still sleep naked nearly every night. I love sex. I love masturbation. I am adventurous and sexually free-spirited. If my parents knew half of what I’d done, or what I would do, they would be horrified. Do I care? Nope! I feel bad that they’ve forced themselves to adopt such a narrow-minded view of sex and sexuality.

Want to share your story? Send it to thehonestsexblog@yahoo.com today!