Why I’m Monogamous (It’s Not Why You’d Think)

Monogamy is completely natural to me. It isn’t something self-imposed, or something I’ve been socially groomed to accept. It’s just how I am.

Those who say monogamy goes against nature are wrong.

Yet so are those who claim it is natural for everyone.

The truth is, everyone is different. There is a spectrum of sexuality. I am on one end. There are many others on the opposite end, who are naturally polyamorous. “Poly” meaning many and “amorous” meaning love. There are a few people who naturally crave multiple relationships with multiple people. And these relationships are based on genuine feelings of love, not just lust. There are other people like me, who have absolutely no desire to be with anyone other than their one partner. It’s not that I try to ignore thoughts of others. I simply do not have thoughts of other. Sure, I see many attractive people. But the only person I fantasize or think of sexually is my husband. Since we met, I’ve never thought of another man sexually. For nearly ten years, not a single other person has crossed my mind during sex or masturbation. A few times I’ve even tried to think of someone else, just to see what it was like. But it didn’t work. I am naturally monogamous. It has nothing to do with society, religion, or guilt. It’s not because marriage demands it. I have a one track mind. But I am in the minority.

About ten percent of the adult population falls on my end of the spectrum and another ten percent on the opposite end. The rest of the population falls somewhere in the middle. They may be monogamous most of the time, but still have the occasional desire for someone new. Some feel polyamorous most of the time, but could change to feelings of monogamy with the right person. And some people just have the urge for sex with many partners, with no real emotional connection necessary.

There is a difference, though, between someone’s natural sexuality under ideal conditions, and their choices regarding sex under exceptional circumstances. Someone may be monogamous for many years and be highly satisfied by their partner. But if their partner is no longer satisfying for them, either emotionally or physically, they may be driven to have their needs satisfied elsewhere. It doesn’t mean they don’t want monogamy. It just means they wanted their thirst quenched.

Sexuality is not a one size fits all. That is a point I stress over and over. Sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of. We are all human beings, created equal. Every person is just as entitled to their fantasies as the next person.

 

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The Sexual Awakening

We’ve all been through it. The time in our lives when we first start to realize our potential as sexual beings. Hormones kick in and we find ourselves intrigued by the opposite sex, or perhaps the same sex.

Though it generally begins around puberty, some may experience it much earlier or much later. The mind and body do not always develop at the same pace, and it can be a tough time for some. Even after many years, there is much to learn about ourselves and others. We are never truly done learning and growing sexually. And that’s what this site is all about. There is so much to be shared, and I’m here to bridge the gap between individuals and couples who may be able to offer experience or support.

I’ll share with you the story of my sexual awakening…

From the time I was just a few years old, I knew there was something. I’d heard both children and adults speak the word “sex” in a mysterious, secretive tone. Thinking or whispering the word to myself, even at five years old, gave me a sort of dirty, excited feeling inside.

It wasn’t until I was nine years old that my mother told me about sex. She never said it felt good. She just said it was how women became pregnant. I went five more years thinking that sex was just an inconvenience, and chore associated with trying to conceive. Why would anyone want to do that? I’ll never do that, I thought. I imagined sex would be awkward and embarrassing, or at least that’s how it was for most couples.

I grew up in a very Christian household. My parents were virgins until marriage (so they say) and they wouldn’t have anything less for my sister and I. I’m sure they meant well, but what they really did was scare me into being ashamed. I was ashamed of being a female. I was ashamed of my growing body and my thoughts. I struggled to repress my sexuality.

I’d learned in school about the female anatomy, but it always seemed oddly foreign to me. I didn’t make the connection between the diagrams and my own body (for reasons I’ll discuss later). Then when I was thirteen, I read a book. In the book, a young pubescent girl attended a human growth and development class. The book described it in detail. It also described in detail the girl going home afterward and finding all her lady parts using her fingers and a hand mirror. What a great idea! I thought. So I found a hand mirror and, rather timidly, attempted to do the same. It was the first time I’d ever really seen or even touched those parts. I didn’t know what everything was, but I did feel a bit proud of myself, though I didn’t know why.

When I was fifteen, that’s when I really started to feel the hormone changes. I didn’t know any boys who I could imagine having sex with. I was still stuck in the phase of naked embarrassment. I felt awkward seeing myself naked, let alone having someone else see me. But I would get so turned on seeing sex scenes in movies. I fantasized about sex with a nameless, faceless man. I didn’t know what to do. The feelings were so strong. I knew about masturbation, but I knew without asking that my parents forbade it. It was something shameful. I’d tried it a few times, but I didn’t enjoy it anyway.

That’s when things started to change. I would browse around the internet at night, reading anything I could about sex. I liked how it turned me on. I received an instant message from a man who was willing to answer some of my questions. He told me I was a normal girl, curious, with nothing to worry about. Though I felt shy at first, I quickly became comfortable. I was surprised by the boldness of my questions to him. But there was nothing he wouldn’t answer. Sensing my high level of arousal and sexual frustration, he even encouraged me to masturbate, and gave me ideas on what to try. Reluctantly, I took his advice.

Mere months later, we were instant messaging almost daily, and I was masturbating almost daily as well. Sometimes for hours at a time. I quickly became familiar with my body. Slowly, my shame started to disappear. I didn’t care what my parents thought. If they weren’t masturbating (and with the state of their relationship, they definitely weren’t having sex) they didn’t know what they were missing! I discovered that I am an extremely sensual person. I began seeing my body as pretty, and I would sleep naked almost every night.

Years later, I’m a very sexual, happily married woman. I still sleep naked nearly every night. I love sex. I love masturbation. I am adventurous and sexually free-spirited. If my parents knew half of what I’d done, or what I would do, they would be horrified. Do I care? Nope! I feel bad that they’ve forced themselves to adopt such a narrow-minded view of sex and sexuality.

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