I have recently received an interesting question from a man who, for the sake of privacy, we will call Mike.
Mike is asking about the right way to go about telling a woman that he’s only interested in a sexual relationship.
Although it’s a fairly simple question, the answer is not so simple. All women are different, so there is no answer that I can guarantee to apply to any situation. But here is my advice.
In order for any kind of relationship to be successful, it must have a solid foundation. A solid foundation comes from having trust. And trust is a product of honesty. Any relationship that is rooted in dishonesty is destined to fail, because the people involved cannot trust each other. So you should be honest and let her know that you only want a sexual relationship. There is no point in hiding that fact.
When should you tell her?
As soon as possible. Women do not like being strung along. Although it may seem like a good idea to reel her in slowly and let your intentions be known after a date or two, rather than spring it on her, your best bet is to be up front from the beginning. If you ask her out and give her the impression that sex isn’t your focus, that’s what she’ll be prepared for. When you do let her know that sex is mainly what you’re after, she will likely be upset. She may feel very used and wonder what made you think she would go for something like that. It’s kind of like false advertising. How would you feel if you purchased a product that didn’t perform anything like what it claimed to? Why go on a date with someone who wants something different than what they led you to believe?
Make your intentions known before the date. That way, if she’s not into that sort of thing, you don’t have to waste your time or hers even going on a date. There is no real risk of hard feelings, because they haven’t had time to develop. Perhaps the best way to introduce the topic is to have a few phone calls before you actually ask her on a date. Try to call at a time when neither of you are busy or distracted by other things. Mention to her what it is about her that attracts you, and why you’re interested in her. The worst that can happen is she thinks you’re a jerk and she won’t talk to you again. But as they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And you don’t want someone who thinks you’re a jerk anyway. Yes, you might look or feel a little stupid if she turns you down. But that just means she isn’t a good fit for you. Someone who is right for you will not think you are stupid, they will accept you as you are.
If she is interested, great. Your potential relationship is already off to a great start because you have been open and honest with each other. That’s how you begin to trust each other. And nothing says that what starts off as a sexual relationship can’t evolve into something deeper, if both of you develop an interest in that. Maintaining open and honest communication will help keep the possibilities open.
Keep in mind that when and how you say it does not change the fundamentals of the situation. Either she’s into it or she isn’t. Trying to be crafty or lure her into something she’s not totally comfortable with will only end badly.
Something I would like all those looking for a “friends with benefits” type of relationship to keep in mind is this. It may start out as a nice, convenient, fun, no-strings-attached sexual relationship. There is no real emotion commitment on either end. But it is likely that at least one partner will develop some real feelings. If those feelings are not returned, it can lead to emotional distress and a bad situation overall. These things should be entered into very carefully.
I hope this answers your question. It’s a complex situation, but hopefully this helps simplify things somewhat. Please feel free to contact me with more questions or a followup.
Thank you for your question!