“Be Straightforward?” — How To Let A Woman Know You Want A Sexual Relationship

I have recently received an interesting question from a man who, for the sake of privacy, we will call Mike.
Mike is asking about the right way to go about telling a woman that he’s only interested in a sexual relationship.

Although it’s a fairly simple question, the answer is not so simple. All women are different, so there is no answer that I can guarantee to apply to any situation. But here is my advice.

In order for any kind of relationship to be successful, it must have a solid foundation. A solid foundation comes from having trust. And trust is a product of honesty. Any relationship that is rooted in dishonesty is destined to fail, because the people involved cannot trust each other. So you should be honest and let her know that you only want a sexual relationship. There is no point in hiding that fact.

When should you tell her?

As soon as possible. Women do not like being strung along. Although it may seem like a good idea to reel her in slowly and let your intentions be known after a date or two, rather than spring it on her, your best bet is to be up front from the beginning. If you ask her out and give her the impression that sex isn’t your focus, that’s what she’ll be prepared for. When you do let her know that sex is mainly what you’re after, she will likely be upset. She may feel very used and wonder what made you think she would go for something like that. It’s kind of like false advertising. How would you feel if you purchased a product that didn’t perform anything like what it claimed to? Why go on a date with someone who wants something different than what they led you to believe?

Make your intentions known before the date. That way, if she’s not into that sort of thing, you don’t have to waste your time or hers even going on a date. There is no real risk of hard feelings, because they haven’t had time to develop. Perhaps the best way to introduce the topic is to have a few phone calls before you actually ask her on a date. Try to call at a time when neither of you are busy or distracted by other things. Mention to her what it is about her that attracts you, and why you’re interested in her. The worst that can happen is she thinks you’re a jerk and she won’t talk to you again. But as they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea. And you don’t want someone who thinks you’re a jerk anyway. Yes, you might look or feel a little stupid if she turns you down. But that just means she isn’t a good fit for you. Someone who is right for you will not think you are stupid, they will accept you as you are.

If she is interested, great. Your potential relationship is already off to a great start because you have been open and honest with each other. That’s how you begin to trust each other. And nothing says that what starts off as a sexual relationship can’t evolve into something deeper, if both of you develop an interest in that. Maintaining open and honest communication will help keep the possibilities open.

Keep in mind that when and how you say it does not change the fundamentals of the situation. Either she’s into it or she isn’t. Trying to be crafty or lure her into something she’s not totally comfortable with will only end badly.

Something I would like all those looking for a “friends with benefits” type of relationship to keep in mind is this. It may start out as a nice, convenient, fun, no-strings-attached sexual relationship. There is no real emotion commitment on either end. But it is likely that at least one partner will develop some real feelings. If those feelings are not returned, it can lead to emotional distress and a bad situation overall. These things should be entered into very carefully.

I hope this answers your question. It’s a complex situation, but hopefully this helps simplify things somewhat. Please feel free to contact me with more questions or a followup.

Thank you for your question!

The Sexual Awakening

We’ve all been through it. The time in our lives when we first start to realize our potential as sexual beings. Hormones kick in and we find ourselves intrigued by the opposite sex, or perhaps the same sex.

Though it generally begins around puberty, some may experience it much earlier or much later. The mind and body do not always develop at the same pace, and it can be a tough time for some. Even after many years, there is much to learn about ourselves and others. We are never truly done learning and growing sexually. And that’s what this site is all about. There is so much to be shared, and I’m here to bridge the gap between individuals and couples who may be able to offer experience or support.

I’ll share with you the story of my sexual awakening…

From the time I was just a few years old, I knew there was something. I’d heard both children and adults speak the word “sex” in a mysterious, secretive tone. Thinking or whispering the word to myself, even at five years old, gave me a sort of dirty, excited feeling inside.

It wasn’t until I was nine years old that my mother told me about sex. She never said it felt good. She just said it was how women became pregnant. I went five more years thinking that sex was just an inconvenience, and chore associated with trying to conceive. Why would anyone want to do that? I’ll never do that, I thought. I imagined sex would be awkward and embarrassing, or at least that’s how it was for most couples.

I grew up in a very Christian household. My parents were virgins until marriage (so they say) and they wouldn’t have anything less for my sister and I. I’m sure they meant well, but what they really did was scare me into being ashamed. I was ashamed of being a female. I was ashamed of my growing body and my thoughts. I struggled to repress my sexuality.

I’d learned in school about the female anatomy, but it always seemed oddly foreign to me. I didn’t make the connection between the diagrams and my own body (for reasons I’ll discuss later). Then when I was thirteen, I read a book. In the book, a young pubescent girl attended a human growth and development class. The book described it in detail. It also described in detail the girl going home afterward and finding all her lady parts using her fingers and a hand mirror. What a great idea! I thought. So I found a hand mirror and, rather timidly, attempted to do the same. It was the first time I’d ever really seen or even touched those parts. I didn’t know what everything was, but I did feel a bit proud of myself, though I didn’t know why.

When I was fifteen, that’s when I really started to feel the hormone changes. I didn’t know any boys who I could imagine having sex with. I was still stuck in the phase of naked embarrassment. I felt awkward seeing myself naked, let alone having someone else see me. But I would get so turned on seeing sex scenes in movies. I fantasized about sex with a nameless, faceless man. I didn’t know what to do. The feelings were so strong. I knew about masturbation, but I knew without asking that my parents forbade it. It was something shameful. I’d tried it a few times, but I didn’t enjoy it anyway.

That’s when things started to change. I would browse around the internet at night, reading anything I could about sex. I liked how it turned me on. I received an instant message from a man who was willing to answer some of my questions. He told me I was a normal girl, curious, with nothing to worry about. Though I felt shy at first, I quickly became comfortable. I was surprised by the boldness of my questions to him. But there was nothing he wouldn’t answer. Sensing my high level of arousal and sexual frustration, he even encouraged me to masturbate, and gave me ideas on what to try. Reluctantly, I took his advice.

Mere months later, we were instant messaging almost daily, and I was masturbating almost daily as well. Sometimes for hours at a time. I quickly became familiar with my body. Slowly, my shame started to disappear. I didn’t care what my parents thought. If they weren’t masturbating (and with the state of their relationship, they definitely weren’t having sex) they didn’t know what they were missing! I discovered that I am an extremely sensual person. I began seeing my body as pretty, and I would sleep naked almost every night.

Years later, I’m a very sexual, happily married woman. I still sleep naked nearly every night. I love sex. I love masturbation. I am adventurous and sexually free-spirited. If my parents knew half of what I’d done, or what I would do, they would be horrified. Do I care? Nope! I feel bad that they’ve forced themselves to adopt such a narrow-minded view of sex and sexuality.

Want to share your story? Send it to thehonestsexblog@yahoo.com today!